the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
