This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
