I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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