My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
