Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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