I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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