I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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