i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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