24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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