So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Is Oprah even human
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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