week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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