Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
what day is it and did you see me today?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
