is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
