Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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