i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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