Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
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