pop tarts are not kleenex
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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