Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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