listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
