My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.