Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
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I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
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I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.