Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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