i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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