Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
