he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
