my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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