I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
