If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
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