Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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