could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
