I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
