Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
