You don't have asthma, your pregnant
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
