I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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