The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
