He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
