I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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