Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic