now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
