Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
