Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
