Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
