Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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