dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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