im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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