mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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