Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
