No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
