my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Come on in and take your pants off
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