my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
