uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
