I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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