I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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