i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
