i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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